I'll Pull You Through
by Loosen.my.lips
Summary: After a traumatic incident it's left to Ashley to pick up the pieces and put Spencer back together.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! This is a warning, the story does deal with rape, so if it'd going to upset you, I wouldn't read it.**

"Ash, I'm back, are you home?"

I placed my backpack down on the floor and waited for Ashley to come bounding out, or at least to yell some sort of reply from the other room. I frowned slightly when none came; she had specifically told me not to take my time coming home in that rather excitable phone call I had received at lunch today.

I wandered over to our bedroom making note of the mess that had sprung up around the loft since I left. Since Kyla was now spending all of her time at Aiden's there wasn't anyone in during the day to pick up after Ashley as she went about her business, sometimes it was like living with a child.

Sighing I picked up one of Ashley's discarded t-shirts that was hanging on the lamp and folded it up as I made my way into the bedroom.

"Ash?"

"SHIT! SPENCE! Shit, shit, shit!"

I gasped as I took in the sight of the room. Rose petals covered every surface and a bouquet lay on the pillows of the bed, piles of chocolate covered strawberries sat on plates on the dresser and candles cast a comforting glow over everything including my gorgeous girlfriend.

All this information managed to process in my brain a split second before Ashley crashed into me, knocking me out the room and causing me to throw the t-shirt onto the floor.

"You weren't supposed to see that yet!" she groaned wrapping her arms round me and burying her face into the crook of my neck, "You always ruin my surprises."

"What's all this? And I am sorry but you should learn to listen out more," I chuckled rolling my eyes and hugging her back. Her lips found mine and she gave me a chaste kiss before pulling back, her chocolate eye's twinkling.

"I have some good news! Madison's single just made top ten! Making this my fifth consecutive hit!"

"Babe that's fantastic!" I smile and pepper her face with kisses. I laugh as she tries in vain to try and capture my lips with her own,

"But what's with the great romantic gesture in there?" I say waving an arm towards the bedroom.

"Well, since I'm so amazingly successful, I thought would treat my girlfriend to an amazing night in."

She pressed her lips to mine and coaxed them into a longing kiss. I responded immediately to her mouth as she ran her tongue across my bottom lip, begging for access. Our tongues battled for dominance but Ashley soon gained the upper hand as usual so I relinquished control and allowed myself to get lost in the feel of her body as it pressed more forcefully into mine, her hands trailing down to my ass. I felt her pull away, groaning I tried to keep us together, nipping her lips in warning. I felt her lips twist into a smirk as she leant back.

"Now, now Spencer," She chastised, shaking her head "There will be plenty of time for this later, however, I ordered your favourite from Tony's and it should be ready for collection about now."

"Do you know how much I love you?" I sighed. Tony's was a little restaurant about a 5 minute walk from our loft. Tony did the nicest pastas I've ever eaten and his Lasagne was to die for and one of my favourite foods at the moment.

"I hope it's a lot, the effort I go to for you," Ashley smirked cheekily, bumping me with her hip.

"Shut up." I hooked my fingers into her belt loops and pulled, causing her to crash into me and our lips to come forcibly together.

"Mmm Spence, I love it when you want me." She moaned, giving me a wink and starting to kiss down my jaw.

"How about I pick up the food babe? You can change into something more, _comfortable_, while I'm gone" I breathed as she nibbled at my neck.

"You sure?"

"Yep, I'll walk it, so I can - ahh – work up an appetite" She was nipping at my pulse point, I was going to have to go now, or we'd never make it out the loft. She growled as I stepped back, ceasing her assault on my neck.

"Fine!" she huffed and took a running dive to the couch, "Oomph! You had better be quick; your ass is mine Carlin!"

* * *

I enjoy walking at night, I always have. I love the how the cool night air flows cross your skin, and how everything seems so much prettier when lit up at night.

The walk to Tony's is fairly straight forward, following the road down until you reach the small cluster of restaurants and small stores that you make wonder how they even exist in this play area of the rich. Our food is packaged and waiting for us when I get there, much to my pleasure, I pay quickly (with a very generous tip of course) and leave. I just want to get home and spend the night eating a few of my favourite things…

"Hey you, bitch!"

This guy steps out of the alley I'm passing. His bulking form blocks my path and he glowers at me, looking me up and down, a sneer dancing across his face. This isn't good, I know this isn't good. I take a few steps back knowing that I don't want to be close to him, I need to find a way to leave so I start heading off around him refusing to meet his eyes.

"I was talking to you slut. What you got there?"

Fuck.

He makes a grab for my arm. I stumble out the way, just. Or I thought I had. He has a hold of my purse.

"Just...just take it." I stammer.

"That's not all I want Blondie."

Oh shit. He grabs me, this time I didn't have time to react.

"Get off me!"

I get dragged forcefully into the alley.

"Get off! Let go!"

"Shut up bitch!"

He slams me against the wall. Sharp pain erupts in front of my eyes, I must have hit my head hard. The rough brickwork is cold and scratching my back. He leans forward. Licking his lips and keeping me pinned. I try to struggle and he just holds me harder.

"Please,"

I'm begging. He sneers again. I lash out, kick him in the knee. He grunts and punches me straight in the stomach. Shit. I can't breathe. Searing pain shoots through my abdomen. He hits me again. I'm gasping. I can't remember ever being in such pain. I'm vaguely aware he is reaching down. I feel my jeans being yanked off. No. Please.

"Stop!" I'm sobbing now.

"Be quiet, or I'll smash your head into the wall bitch"

Tears completely blur my vision. I cry out but no ones around. I seem him undo his own pants as he rips off my underwear. I barely register what's going on. He looks into my eyes one last time before I slam them shut.

I have one last lucid thought before my brain starts screaming.

Ashley.

* * *

Ashley frowned and looked at the clock on the wall. Spencer had been gone half an hour, almost double the time it usually takes her. Ashley got up from the couch where she'd been sprawled since Spencer had left, not so patiently awaiting her girlfriends return.

"Where's my stupid phone!" Ashley hissed in frustration as she routed round the mess she'd left all over the loft. I'm going to have to start learning how to tidy, she thought to herself as she dug in the pockets of the pair of jeans she'd thrown off this morning.

"AHA!" she cheered out loud upon finding it, but a frown creased her brow when she saw she had no messages. Where was Spencer?

As if on cue her phone began to ring. Ashley snapped the phone to her ear.

"Spencer! Where are you?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Spencer! Where are you?"

I tried to say something. Fuck. My mouth won't work. All I can do is sob. He ran off with my purse but I'd left my phone in my jeans pocket. I'd somehow managed to pick it out, a miracle considering how badly I was shaking and sobbing. I'm numb. Completely numb. But I managed to call Ashley. I need her. Shit. I'm going to be sick. I feel so dirty. I'm broken. Pain. Repulsion. Dirt. Ashley. Help.

I can hear her sobbing down the phone. What's going on? Shit. Fuck.

"Spencer! Spencer what's wrong? Where are you? What's happened? Shit, Spencer!"

"….A-Ash…"

"Spencer, I'm coming baby, I'm coming!"

I'm on my feet and sprinting towards the door, I can still here her sobbing on the phone. Something's wrong, I can tell something is wrong. Shit Davies! You need to get the gym more; you can't even run for fuck sake!

"Spencer where are you?" I pant, I hear her sobs suddenly punctuated by retching. Shit. What's going on, she's being sick. Oh god. Has she been attacked? Is she dying? Fuck. Run Davies, fucking run!

* * *

I finished throwing up. I'm a wreck. Help.

"A-ash" I manage to croak down the phone again.

"Baby, I'm coming, where are you? I swear I'm coming Spencer!"

I tried to tell her. It won't come out my mouth. I smell vomit, blood, sweat. I can taste his breathe, cigarettes, in my mouth. I'm cold. It's penetrating the numbness. I'm dirty. Where's Ashley. Shit.

"All-alley." I sob it out. I hope she understood. My hand is shaking so violently. I drop the phone. Everything goes black.

* * *

"All-alley." She sobs.

"Spencer? Where?" I hear a clatter. "Spencer?"

I'm panicking now, full on I can't breathe. I'm going to die kind of panic. I can't even hear her anymore. SHIT. Run Davies. Jesus. She needs me! I'm pounding down the sidewalk. Checking down every shadowed area I come across. I'm only a minutes from Tony's now, she has to be close. Dammit! Spencer! Wait, woah hold up Davies. Alley. What's that? Shit.

"SPENCER!"

It's her. Shit. Fuck. Is she dead? Oh no, oh no. She's sat there. Leaning against the wall. SHIT! I can see blood. Oh man.

"Spencer! Spencer!" She's not responding. Please God, don't let her be dead. BREATHING! SHE'S BREATHING!

Her jeans are round her ankles, where the fuck is her underwear? Oh. Oh no. She's been sick all over herself, there's blood on her face. I can't help it, I break down. Shit. How could anyone do this too her. Fuck.

"Spencer! Wake up Spence, it's me, I'm here baby, please wake up!"

* * *

I can hear my name. Someone's there. No. Not again. I can't go through this again. I lash out:

"NO, GET OFF, DON'T!" I almost scream. I hear a sharp intake of breath, I hit them, my fist made contact.

"Spencer! Spencer it's me! It's Ashley!"

Ashley?

I open my eyes. Everything hurts. A face bobs in front of me. Ashley. Her arms envelope me. I collapse forward. No. I'm dirty. Ruined.

"Ash!" I break down, sobbing even harder then before. I can barely breathe. But she's here. I can't breathe. I'm so dizzy. It's all going black again.


	3. Chapter 3

Ashley sat doubled over on the uncomfortable plastic chairs that adorned the walls of the corridor. Holding her head in her hands she tried to black out the cold sterile room as her mind mercilessly tortured her over the nights events, the guilt and nagging trampling through her thoughts leaving behind the ever present worry and fear she held over Spencer.

She knew that berating herself over and over wouldn't change anything, she knew it wouldn't help Spencer. But that's easier said than done "what ifs" are not simply dismissed when a love one has been hurt.

And so, Ashley couldn't help feeling somewhat responsible.

She heard the doors at the end of the corridor swing open and hurried footfalls follow but she didn't look up. Pressing her palms harder into her eyes, the teen attempted to choke back the sobs that wracked her small frame.

"Ashley..." Arthur Carlin stood in front of the Ashley. The eyes that usually held so much compassion, just like Spencer's, were marred with emotion as they met her red rimmed ones. Another sob escaped and she felt herself being pulled into his arms.

Glen stood behind Arthur, face hard and jaw clenched. He wanted to make someone pay for hurting his sister. Nobody touched Spencer and got away with it as far as he was concerned. He wasn't prepared to lose another sibling. Shuffling on the spot he surveyed the room, eyes flicking from the walls to his father who was still holding a sniffing Ashley. Reaching out he gripped her shoulder in a sign of understanding, he couldn't have imagined finding Spencer in the alley and it only increased his loyalty to the brunette knowing that she had practically saved his sister.

Words weren't useful at this time however. There was nothing any of them could say that would help. "I'll be okay" and "She'll be alright" offer little comfort and the words would be hollow and empty till they got some news. So they stood, silently supporting each other and waiting.

After what felt like an eternity to Ashley the doors closest to them opened and Paula Carlin strode through, walking with faltering purpose towards her family.

"Paula?" Arthur released Ashley and stepped towards his wife, the blonde doctor had unease and distress radiating from her in waves. Ashley became aware she was unconsciously holding her breath.

"She's alive," Paula croaked, her voice cracking. The breath Ashley had been holding rushed out of her lungs and she felt Glen's tense form somewhat relax behind her.

"She's got several head lacerations and extensive bruising and her back has been scratched raw from the brick wall. She also has some cracked ribs and of course… the d-damage she s-suffered…to…"

Paula faltered but they didn't need to here any medical terms.

"S-she regained consciousness not long after she was b-brought in,"

The doctor paused and looked at her family, tears beginning to leak out the corners of her eyes as she lost the internal battle between parent and doctor, much like she had the night Clay was killed. The last of her professionalism crumbled as she fell into her husband's arms.

"Oh Arthur…s-she's s-so distressed and b-broken! I can't even… the pain she must be in…how s-scared…she was all alone!..." She sobbed against Arthur's chest, much like Ashley has done. Glen sniffed repeatedly, clenching his jaw and staring unseeing at the corner of the room. Ashley stood trying to maintain her breathing.

Paula's words had struck her hard. The blonde doctor hadn't meant to cause Ashley guilt and anguish as she empathised with her daughters attack but the teen's self blame took the words like blows to the chest.

It's my fault. She thought, staring at the doors her girlfriend lay behind. I never should have let her go to collect the food. I should have gone like I'd planned. She would never have got hurt.

"Can we see her yet? I-I need to see her." The brunette spoke in a faltering whisper, not trusting her voice.

"The police are just finishing the S.A kit and her statement, we can see her once t-they are done."

Ashley nodded and trained her eyes back on the door.


	4. Chapter 4

Ashley felt like time was standing still and the wait seemed to be endless. She stood stock still, watching the door and trying to block out the images of Spencer in the alley, covered in blood and tears, that were flitting through her mind.

Feeling the bile rise in the back of her throat the brunette took deep breaths, willing the contents of her stomach to stay down.

The Carlins shuffled and fidgeted in their anxious state, gazes flicking around the room and attempts at gaining strength from each other and Ashley stood eerily still, continuing to wait.

"Mr and Mrs Carlin?"

Two officers emerged from the double doors. The elder male loomed above his female counterpart, his face tight and serious and his dark hair flecked with grey around his temple.

The women had large brown eyes that gave her face a youthful gentle look and her hair was pulled into a loose bun, that was fraying a bit after her long day on duty. She surveyed the group, making note of Ashley's blood stained clothes before continuing.

"Our CSI's have finished with Spencer, you can see her now. Miss Davies I presume?"

She addressed Ashley who had started making her way towards the door.

"You were the one that found Miss Carlin right? We need to collect your statement and we will need to take your clothes, don't worry it won't take long then you can go ahead and see her"

The officer added when she noticed he brunette look with wide eyes at the Carlins.

"We can collect your clothes at the station or at your home, we can escort you there as you will need something to change into…"

"No." Ashley interrupted. Her soft voice firm. "I'm not leaving her."

"You'll need a new set of clothes, I know this is not ideal but.."

"I'm not leaving." The teen growled, eyes flashing dangerously.

"I've got some clothes in my gym bag!" Glen piped up, presenting the bag to the officers and Ashley. "I was on my way to the gym when dad called, will they do? They're clean I promise!"

He flashed a small smile in Ashley's direction and she gave the blonde boy a fleeting, grateful smile in return.

"We can do it here," The young officer said watching the brunette take the bag the boy held out to her. "Mrs Carlin do you know where there is a room we can use?"

"My office is back near the rear elevator, you can use that" Paula Carlin indicated the direction with her hand while she attempted to stem the tears that were tracking their way down her face, still leaning against her husband. The officer nodded and turned to her partner.

"Tim, will you go see if Sara is done? Tell her she can see Miss Davies now." Her stoic partner nodded and headed back through the doors. "Miss Davies? Shall we head down to the office? I'll start taking your statement, oh, I'm Officer McTrey by the way."

Ashley nodded, her eyes still showing the unhappiness of the delay in seeing Spencer and turned towards the Carlins.

"We'll be waiting with Spencer when you're done, do you need me to come with you?" Arthur asked, knowing that the process of retelling the nights events may distress the already distraught teen further. Ashley mutely shook her head and offered a small smile of thanks before she turned to follow Officer McTrey down the corridor.

* * *

It took about half an hour for the police to get what they needed. Ashley recounted the evenings events in a detached manner, trying to remember all the minute details in case anything was important. She let the CSI take her clothes without a word, changing into Glen's oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants. She volunteered her DNA and her phone so they could check her call logs and she fought the urge to run down the corridor when Officer McTrey finally escorted her to the ward where Spencer was.

"Thank you for your cooperation Miss Davies, we will no doubt be in touch soon." McTrey gave a wan smile and headed back through to her partner after indicating the room where Spencer had been moved too.

Ashley barely acknowledged the goodbye as she walked towards the room. Knocking at the door it was almost immediately opened by Glen, who for once didn't look playful or carefree. He stepped out the way and let Ashley through, the situation too upsetting for him to even make a passing remark about the clothes she wore.

"Spence," The blonde looked up from where she had her face buried in her mothers shoulder and the sound of her name.

Ashley internally gasped.

Her once beautiful blonde was bruised and swollen down the left side of her face and her forehead and hairline had gauze pads bandaged there for what Ashley assumed was the cuts that had caused the bleeding on her face. Her skin was pasty white and her eyes red and swollen.

But it was the pain and distress that Ashley could see evident of Spencer's face that shocked her the most. She had never seen the blonde look so broken.

"A-Ashley" Spencer whimpered and the brunette was by her side in seconds. She went to pull the distraught teen into her arms, needing to protect and comfort her lover. Just as she reached out, Spencer flinched harshly away from her.

Ashley jerked back, stunned. Never having such a rejection from Spencer before.

"Sorry! Ashley, I…" Spencer sobbed out, just as upset as Ashley at her body to the hug. She reached for the brunette.

"It's okay Spence, it's okay." Ashley mumbled into blonde hair as she held her lover close, holding her neck and side, mindful of her damaged back. Spencer buried her face in the crook of Ashley's neck and sobbed, hands bunching up the material of Glen's sweatshirt, pulling her girlfriend ever closer as if trying to hide within her.

Ashley looked up at Paula who sat on the other side of the bed. She gave Ashley a sad look, fresh tear tracks down her face. The blonde doctor silently praying for strength her family needed, almost unbelieving that her family was going through more trauma, after everything that had happened.

Glen stood near the door, having had a hug rebuffed by Spencer himself, he couldn't handle seeing his little sister in so much pain and let silent tears flow from blue eyes.

Arthur stood behind Paula looking solemn, understanding his daughters unconscious actions and knowing recovery from such a traumatic incident was going to be tough for his youngest child.

Ashley held onto Spencer for dear life, pulling the blonde closer. Tears that had been kept in check streaming down her face.


	5. Chapter 5

Two thoughts entered my consciousness as I woke up. One, I was being held by Ashley. I could feel her arms tight around me and her smell lulling me into safe feelings of happiness. It was like this most mornings and it's something I love.

The second thing I become aware of was pain.

Lots of pain.

My head hurt, my back hurt, my chest hurt.

And with the pain came recollection.

I felt a mini gasp bubble out of my chest as I remembered where I was and why I was here.

I can't believe that happened.

I feel so defiled. I feel dirty. I feel damaged.

Ashley's arms aren't giving me comfort anymore. It's suffocating. I need to get them off me. I can feel the start of a panic attack coming on, I'm struggling to breathe. I push her off roughly, so hard infact she nearly topples of the small hospital bed.

"Woah, Spence, what the hell?" I barely hear her grumble behind me.

I'm going to be sick.

Half a second later I'm leaning over the side of the bed my stomach trying to purge itself.

"Spence, oh babe." Ashley's hands are rubbing what should be soothing circles on my back. I can feel her body heat radiating onto my skin and I swat her off like it burns.

"Don't." I manage between gasps. My voice sounds cracked and scratchy from the bile burning it and I don't have to look at her to know she is hurt. I feel her stiffen and move away slightly behind me.

"Spence…." The hushed, desperate tone of her voice almost breaks my heart. I'm defiantly not getting enough oxygen now, oh God, I'm going to die, I can't breathe!

"Breathe Spence! Calm down babe."

"Spencer! Quick Ashley get the oxygen mask." I'm vaguely aware of my mother's voice as spots start to appear in my vision. I feel the oxygen mask being placed over my nose and mouth.

I see Ashley's terrified eyes, I see her mouth move but I hear no sound.

Then everything went black.

* * *

I can hear hushed voices. I feel very groggy.

It takes my brain a few seconds to catch up the fact I passed out before.

That's not good.

I can feel someone gently brushing the hair off my face.

It's done softly almost adoringly.

I know it's Ashley.

And again, all I want to do is push her away. What the hell are you thinking Carlin? It's Ashley. The girl who loves you, the girl who would never hurt you. The girl you saved you goddamn it! And you want to repay her by shoving her away? Nice.

I open my eyes to find her sat above me. Her beautiful smile surfaces when she watches me look at her.

But I can see the hesitation in her eyes.

I feel her hand falter and move away slightly.

I feel my heart twinge with guilt.

And it hurts even more when I realise I'm relieved she did.

"Hey," She says softly. I'm aware the hushed voices in the background have stopped and the faint rustle of people moving replaces it. I keep my eyes focused on Ashley. On her face and eyes so full of love and worry, on just how beautiful she is. I can feel small whimpers and sobs building in my chest and my vision becomes blurry from unshed tears.

"I'm so sorry." I whisper.

I want her to know how sorry I am. I want her to know I'm sorry for being in such a state. I want her to know I'm sorry for pushing her away. I want her to know I'm sorry for allowing this to happen to us at all. For allowing it to happen to me.

"It's ok Spencer, it's okay." I watch her bottom lip tremble slightly as her hands move slowly to cup the side of my face and shaking thumbs move hesitantly to wipe at my tears. I fight the urge to move.

I know we both need this.

Her movements became more confident when I didn't pull away. And I allowed myself to relax into her comfort, closing my eyes as the tears still leaked out the corner of my eyes and ran down the sides of my face towards the bed.

"Spencer," I look towards my mother's voice and see her and my father standing at the side of my bed. "If you feel up to it, you can be realised tonight, there isn't much more we can do except give you painkillers to numb the pain from your injuries. So long as your lacerations are kept clean you can come home."

"It probably would make you feel better to be somewhere safe and familiar." My dad added, looking and me sadly "and I know this is very soon to start talking about it Spencer, but I've seen the damage trauma like this can do, and we'd feel much better if you started therapy as soon as possible."

I just nodded mutely. I didn't really want to think about that right now.

I didn't want to think about anything.

I just wanted to be numb.

"We sent Glen, Chelsea, Aiden and Kyla back to the loft but I can make sure they've left by the time we get back if that's what you want babe." Ashley said, her hand gently cradling my face.

"She's not going to the loft Ashley, she is going to come home with us."

"Paula, the loft is her home, it has been for over a year."

"And considering the circumstances she should be home with her family, where she is safe."

I saw Ashley flinch at my mothers words and guilt colour her features. I didn't understand why.

"Paula." My dad's tone was firm. I couldn't deal with this right now; I closed my eyes and willed my body to withdraw into itself. "Spencer is just as safe with Ashley as she was with us, what happened was nobody's fault. And regardless of what you think is best it's up to Spencer to decide where she wants to be. I will not allow you to make the situation worse by causing her more distress."

"Spence," Ashley tried to draw my attention back to her. I slowly opened my eyes and focuses on her. "Do you want to, eh, your house? I can pack up your stuff and bring it straight over, and I will make sure Dusty is by your side" She smiled fondly.

Dusty was the toy dragon she had won for me on one of those claw machines at the arcade. It has taken her a silly amount of money to win him and since then he had sat proudly on the bedside table in the bedroom.

I don't think I want to go home. I know what my mother will be like. I don't want to be constantly reminded I'm a victim. I think about it enough on my own.

I looked at Ashley, her eye's didn't hold pity. They held nothing but love and worry. I knew my decision.

"I want to go home," I saw her head drop slightly; as if I was saying the words were those she was afraid to hear. I reached out and traced the side of her face with my fingertips. "Our home Ashley. I want to go to the loft."

Her eyes met mine. She lent into my touch and smiled.

"Anything you want Spence."

* * *

**Thanks for giving this story the time of day guys :D**

**It means a lot!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys! **

**I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update, it's been a busy busy month with the big bad exams that will decided if I will be able to follow my life plan and get into uni! **

**I've barely had time to sleep or eat let alone write, all I've been doing is revising N.M.R Spectrums and Freud's Theories of Cognitive Development!**

**So I apologise for making you guys wait so long, however all that is over now and I have the whole summer of nothing so I will be updating fairly regularly.**

**I hope you enjoy, as a peace offering I made it longer than my usual short updates :)**

* * *

I spent the rest of the time by Spencer's side, I didn't even want to leave to go to the bathroom until I thought my bladder was actually going to explode and even then I swear it was the fastest I have ever peed in my life.

Paula isn't happy. She thinks that Spencer is doing the wrong thing. I can see it in her eyes; she doesn't believe she is safe with me anymore.

Can't say I blame her.

I blame me.

I didn't protect Spence.

I supposed to protect her; it's my job to keep her safe.

I don't know how anyone will forgive me.

Nobody should ever go through that. Especially someone as kind and loving as Spencer.

She's getting dressed at this moment in time, the nurses came to remove the IV and everything before. I'm not convinced she is ready to go home. I mean she is hurt! But she wants to go and I can't say I blame her. Hospitals aren't exactly her favourite place to be after what happened at prom.

She sent us all outside though. She didn't even let me stay in the room to help.

"Ashley,"

"Ashley."

"Ashley." I feel Mr C's hand on my shoulder and look up.

"Sorry,"

"It's okay, you just were spacing there for a bit. I was just telling you that once Spencer is ready Paula and I will take you straight back to the loft, do you want us to stay for a bit when we get back?" I blink a few times and look at him. I can see the worry written across his usually jovial face.

"Err.. I guess it's up to Spencer? She might want you guys around for a bit." Even I can hear the subdued nature of my voice. Mr C looks at me for a bit then sits down beside me while we wait in the corridor. Paula said they would take a few minutes to get Spencer sorted and she was going to be in pain from the clothes aggravating all the scrapes on her body. Glen had dropped off some clean clothes for her to get ready into.

"You shouldn't take it personally you know." I turn to look at him, trying to get a read on his face. It just remains concerned.

"What do you mean?"

"The way Spencer is acting. It isn't anything personal; she isn't rejecting you as a person. You understand this?"

I didn't say anything. Rationally I could understand, or at least I was trying too. But emotionally? I was struggling.

We were silent for a while before he spoke again.

"It wasn't your fault Ashley."

"Yes it was! I'm meant to protect her Mr C! It was supposed to be me going to for the meal, it should never have been her! It should have been me!" My voice cracked and I felt Mr C pull me into a hug.

"It wasn't Ashley, this wasn't anybody's fault and if you are both blaming yourselves you won't be able to get Spencer through this."

"Blaming ourselves? This wasn't Spencer's fault at all Mr C." My voice was muffled into his shoulder and I fought hard to blink back the tears that were forming in my eyes.

I needed to stay strong for Spence.

"She's going to think it was her fault. She's going to struggle with this Ashley. She is going to need you, even if she acts like she doesn't."

I pulled away from him, slightly offended.

"I'll always be there for her! She's practically my everything!"

Mr C smiled fondly at my outburst, he gently rubbed my shoulder. I leaned back into him. Having Spencer's parents around had meant I was actually involved in a family.

"I know Ashley, I know."

I heard the doors open and whipped round to see Paula and Spencer emerge. Spencer was moving gingerly, her face set in a grimace as Paula hovered around her attempting to help.

I scrambled to my feet and stood awkwardly as they approached. I felt Mr C rise a lot more smoothly than I did behind me.

Spencer looked up and locked eyes with me. It hurt to see the brilliant hues of her sparkling blue eyes look so dull and defeated. I smiled weakly and she returned a very pained one.

"Ready to go?" Mr C asked and acknowledged the round of nods before falling in next to Paula and indicating us to head towards the exit.

Spencer looked so fragile. So broken.

She must have felt me looking at her; she had an uncanny ability of always knowing when my attention was focused on her, as she looked at me as I fell into step beside her.

I wasn't quite sure what to do. I wanted to grab her hand. I wanted to walk close to her.

But after the way she had been reacting to me in the room, I didn't want to cause her more stress.

Her eyes bore into mine and I think she had an idea what I was thinking as I felt the back of her hand brush against mine. Reflexively I smiled and looked at our hands as they gently brushed.

It made my heart swell. It wasn't much but I would take anything, so long as she wasn't pushing me away.

Spencer was moving a lot more slowly and awkwardly than usual so it took us a while to reach the hospital exit. Paula, Spencer and I waited by the entrance while Mr C went to fetch the car so that Spence wasn't forced to walk across the huge expanse of car park.

"Are you sure about this Spencer? Your father and I would feel so much better if you just came back home." I looked sharply at Paula. If she made Spencer go home then she had better expect me to follow her there.

I'm not letting her be alone. Mr C was right I needed to help her through this.

"I want to go back to the loft Mom." Spencer's voice was quiet and rough from all the crying she'd been doing.

"But Spence…"

"Paula." I cut in sharply. "She said she wants to come back to the loft."

"Well _Ashley _I don't think _you _are the person who should be making these decisions!"

"I didn't make this decision! Spencer did. And I would think she was the person who should be making the decision, so just…"

I didn't finish what I was saying. I heard Spencer whimper softly beside me and I turned towards her. She had her head bowed and seemed to have shrunk even smaller into herself. It struck me that the animosity was probably making her extremely uneasy, I gently and slowly reached out for her hand.

"Now look what you have done, your scaring her! It's okay Spencer." I shot Paula a withering glare, one of my best but my attention was quickly drawn back to my beloved blonde.

I brushed my fingers gently across the back of her hand, trying to offer some form of unobtrusive comfort. I didn't know what else to do.

I felt a sob bubble up inside when she pulled her hand away from my fingers ever so slightly.

Mr C pulled the car up and motioned for us to get in. After a brief battle of wills between Paula and I (albeit silently) I climbed into the back with Spencer after Mr C not so gently suggested that Paula sit in the passenger seat.

The car ride was silent back to the loft.

I watched Spencer carefully as she stared out the window.

Mr C watched us both through the review mirror.

The uneasy feeling in my stomach still hadn't subsided. I don't know what is going to happen when we get back to the loft and I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help her. I have absolutely no idea.

We pull up and park and I quickly get out and run round to Spencer's side in case she wanted my help getting out. I noticed her struggling on the way in, her injuries were obviously giving her a lot of problems and I just wanted to help in any way I could.

I saw her wince multiple times as she slowly manoeuvred her legs around, and I reached out my hand. She looked up at me and I saw her take a deep breath before she reached out and grabbed it.

I used all my strength to practically lift her out of the car so that she didn't move too much and aggravate her back or the pain…the pain between her legs.

She smiled gratefully as she balanced herself. And we slowly made our way towards the loft. Paula huffing quietly behind us while Mr C kept her in check.

He also held her back slightly when we reached and unlocked the loft door.

"Do you want us to stay with you for a bit Spencer?" He asked quietly.

She looked at her parents and towards me then shook her head.

"I'll be okay dad, I just want, I just. Normality you know?" Spencer almost whispered the broken sentence fragments. She looked at me as if asking something. I held her gaze, trying to convince her whatever she wanted was okay.

"Can you come back tomorrow?" She addressed Paula this time, who practically jumped forward.

"Of course we will Spencer!"

"See you tomorrow darling" Mr C moved carefully towards Spence and placed a fleeting kiss on her head. Paula followed suit but seemed reluctant to leave. I just stood quietly by the door.

"If you need anything Spencer, _anything,_ just call us and we will be right here to take you home."

"Goodnight Ashley," Mr C stepped forward and gave me a brief hug.

"Night Mr C, night Paula."

"Goodnight Ashley," was the curt reply I received.

"Come on Spence," I gently touched her elbow to guide her into the loft as Mr C guided Paula away.

We entered the loft in silence. I saw the table I had set up in preparation for the celebratory dinner had been packed away. I thanked God for Kyla's intuitive nature. Neither of us would have wanted that reminder.

Speaking of, I spotted a note in Kyla's familiar hand writing on the bench and picked it up.

_Ashley_

_We guessed that Spencer wouldn't want us all round tonight so I'm staying at Aiden's. I should be back tomorrow morning unless you call and say otherwise. I hope you are both okay._

_Love_

_Kyla._

My head snapped up and my attention was drawn away from the note by a loud sob.

I spun around and saw Spencer crumple to the floor sobbing.

"Spence!"

Oh god. I ran across the room and dropped to my knees beside her. She looks so broken.

My heart was breaking as I looked at her.

"Baby please, Spencer."

I reached out slowly and tangled my fingers in hers. I wanted to hug her so badly. Hold her, comfort her. Just ease her pain in anyway.

She didn't pull away but sobbed even harder.

"I-I'm s-so s-sorry"

"Babe it's not your fault! Nothing is your fault"

My heart was breaking. I could feel my own tears making their way down my cheeks.

I reached out and brushed a strand of her hair out her face. I felt her freeze then lean into my touch.

We just sat there. Quietly crying in the middle of the loft. Trying to comfort each other.

I squeezed her hand gently and stroked her hair while being careful not to crowd her. Despite my body and heart screaming otherwise.

We sat like that for over an hour before her sobs eventually turned to sniffles and she looked up at me.

I gazed into her eyes. Being her strength. Being her rock.

Her eyes scanned mine and my face, as if she was attempting to find something. After a while she closed her eyes slowly and took a deep steadying breath. Her gaze connected with mine again and she squeezed my hand.

"I love you Ashley."

"I love you too Spence."

I brought my hand down to cup her face, softly wiping away the tear tracks with my thumb, smiling gently.

"Always."


	7. Chapter 7

"We should go to bed babe, we can't stay on the floor all night."

Ashley dipped her head to look at me as she spoke quietly. Like she was afraid to spook me.

I'm still holding her hand and still letting her gently brush my hair. If I was her I wouldn't want to shock me out of that either.

I feel completely drained.

Walking into the loft. Looking around and realised nothing had changed and at the same time realising everything had. It was too much.

I remembered how it was right before I left.

Before…

How excited Ashley was, how proud I was.

How happy we were.

It was too much.

I knew I terrified Ashley was when I had suddenly collapsed crying. She'd looked so panicked. I can see how much this whole thing is breaking her.

And I can see how much I'm hurting her.

Part of me wants her to pull her close. Let her soothe everything away.

I want that.

Oh God how I do.

But I just can't! I just…

I just can't.

And it's breaking me inside. But that is nothing compared to how I feel when I see her breaking on the outside.

She's trying to be strong for me.

But I know her. I know her better than she knows herself. I can see how devastated she is.

"Babe?" I realised I hadn't answered her; she gently tipped my chin up.

"Spence?" The worried desperate look was back, worry dancing behind her eyes. I tried to swallow. I should probably try to answer in case she thinks I've gone catatonic.

"Yeah," I managed to croak out and I heard her release a breath.

"Come on then," She clambered ungracefully to her feet, wincing as she stretched out her muscles, her fingers still tightly intertwined in mine. She offered me her other hand and helped pull me to my feet.

I hissed and clenched my jaw as pain shot through my body. I felt a tear slide down my cheek as the pain between my legs returned with full force.

The pain in my back also flared up as the muscles stretched out.

"Oh…Spence" I felt Ashley's fingers gently brush the errant tear.

Before I could even control the impulse I jerked back.

I heard Ashley's sharp intake of breath and felt her move back.

All I can feel is guilt.

This is all my fault. I'm hurting her.

I gripped my head and tried to stem the tears. Not that I even had the energy to cry but it just kept happening.

"I'm so sorry." The words won't even come out properly. It sounds more like choked up noise.

"Spencer, it's fine. I swear baby. Come on lets go to bed. You need to rest."

I nodded and tried to calm my breathing.

I didn't look up.

I didn't look at her.

I didn't want to see the hurt I was causing.

Pain throbbed through my body again.

My head was hurting as well and I could feel the start of another headache building.

I started forward towards the bedroom as Ashley hovered protectively a half step behind me. Unsure of her place.

I don't want her in there with me while I get changed. I don't want to be left vulnerable.

I know Ashley is safe.

I know it.

So why can't I believe it.

This is going to hurt her even more.

I'm a terrible person.

"Ash," I'm already grimacing at what I'm going to say. I stop in the doorway but I don't turn around. I'm a coward. I can't look at her face.

"Yeah?"

"Can you wait out here. While I get changed." I say it so quietly I'm surprised she even heard.

Coward.

Worthless. You're damaged and not even worth it.

"But… will, will you not, don't you need some help?"

"I'd rather you didn't. I'm so sorry."

"S'ok Spence." I can hear how hoarse her voice is. I can feel the hurt radiating off her in waves. I bite my lip, trying to keep the sobs at bay as I walk through into our room.

I'm a horrible person.

I could have done with the help.

I can hear Ashley shuffling outside the door at every whimper and hiss I make. My pyjamas aggravate the scrapes and the movement causes more intense ache between my legs.

And my chest hurts. Not just from the bruises. But for the brunette standing waiting for me in an impatient manner outside. For the fact I'm putting on pyjamas that cover every inch of skin in a room where more often than not we would end up sleeping naked.

I'm ruined.

"You can come in now Ash."

I turn away before I see her enter.

I can't bear to look at her face.

"I don't… I don't have to sleep here if you don't want. I-I can sleep on the couch if you need the space." The uncertain and broken tone of her voice cuts through me like daggers. I turn back round to look at her.

She looks so upset and small. And broken. Thanks to me. She doesn't look at me. I think she's too scared of the answer. I hate myself even more. She's better off without this broken mess. This used and dirty body. I'm damaged goods.

But I can't be alone. I can't. Not after this.

"Stay here. I want you here. I can't be on my own Ashley. I need you."

She looks up and nods at my admission. Even broken she looks as beautiful as ever.

"I'm always here for you Spence."

"I know. I want you with me but Ash, I can't…"

She surveys my attire sadly and nods, closing her eyes.

"I understand Spence, no touching. I, I get you can't handle it right now."

Will I be able to handle it ever?

The thought flashes through my mind. Making the bile churn in my empty stomach. Never being able to touch my beautiful brunette again? Am I too weak, too used and dirty to ever be capable of being with her again? Why would she even want that after what happened?

She deserves better already.

I can see her shoulders slumped and defeated as she gets ready for bed. Pulling an oversized t-shirt on with her boy shorts. This is the least amount of skin she's shown when in bed for the past few months. I feel another stab of guilt.

I have to give her something. Something to ease the pain and upset.

I fight hard to not let the panic in my body win as I walk over to her and stand right in front of her.

She looks at me warily, unsure and uncertain.

Trying to steady the beat of my heart I lean forward and press a kiss to her cheek. Backing straight off away, needing the panic to subside.

"Goodnight Ashley. I love you."

I quickly make my way round to my side of the bed sliding in, trying to minimise the pain.

I hear here exhale the breath that caught in her throat when I had kissed her. I hear her climb into bed, leaving as much space between us as physically possible.

"G'night Spence. I love you too."

Her hoarse whisper carries across the gulf separating our bodies. Amplifying the space that has never existed between us in this bed.

And I'm pretty sure her heart is aching just as much as mine.


	8. Chapter 8

**This chapter has been a bit of a pain in the arse, I'm not really too happy with it and I promise I'll man up and get the next chapter out to a better standard!**

**The reviews are fantastic guys, I love hearing what you think!**

**Thank you so mcuh for the feedback!**

* * *

_No, don't undo your pants. Kick out! Don't let him pull off your underwear, stop him! For gods sake don't let him do this to you again. You're so pathetic and weak. Smell how vile he is, the cigarettes and sweat, push him off! I can feel my legs being parted. Hit him! Hit him! Scream out, somebody might hear! Anybody! He's leaning forward. He grins, leaning right into my face. You know what he is about to do. He pulls his hips back and thrusts forward…_

"NO!" I jolt awake screaming. He's still on me I can feel him gripping my body! I lash out again and again hoping to injury, to get myself free. I can feel my fists coming into contact again and again.

"Ooff, Spencer! SPENCER! Ow! SPENCER STOP! It's just me babe! Ah! Ow! Spencer calm down! You're safe!"

Just keep lashing out, you can't go through this again. You can't have it happen again, you have to get free.

She's panicking and I can't get through to her! She just keeps screaming and hitting me over and over. It hurts, she is putting full force behind them.

Ooompoh. That was a particularly hard blow to the stomach. I'm too winded to try and talk to her and she just keeps lashing out. I have to stop her before she hurts herself. I grab her wrists as she tries to hit me again.

"Spencer!" She's just twisting wildly now trying to get away. Oh god. I need her to understand she is safe! She is still screaming. I don't know what to do!

"Spencer babe, please it's just me! It's Ashley, you're safe!"

"No, no no, get off!" Her screams are starting to taper off into sobs but she is still thrashing. She's going to really do some damage to herself and her injuries if she doesn't stop.

I do the only thing I can think of, I yank her forward and wrap my arms around her. Pulling her tightly against my chest so she can't move. She starts screaming again but I just hold her tightly, mindful of her back.

"You're safe Spence, it's just me. It's Ashley. You need to calm down babe."

Eventually she stopped struggling in my arms and just started whimpering and sobbing into my chest. I just held her close and whispered words into her hair. In some twisted way I liked having her in my arms again. I felt sick that I was enjoying the fact I was comforting her in distress, as I was holding her tight against her will, what type of person does that make me?

I felt her shift slightly against me and she burrowed further into my arms. I could feel the fond smile flicker across my face as I kissed the top of her head.

"I love you baby." I mumbled into her hair, hoping she was lucid enough to hear me.

* * *

My sleep addled brain eventually caught up with me. I realised that I was being held not attacked. Nothing smelled like cigarettes, all I could smell was Ashley. I could hear her murmuring soft words as she tried to calm me.

I had hit her.

I had hurt her.

And she was just trying to help.

She must have woken up with all my tossing and turning from the nightmare.

She was doing nothing but trying to calm me.

I shuffle even more into the embrace. I need the comfort. I need her. I bury my head in her chest and cry quietly. I grip her t-shirt and pull her even closer to me and she responds by holding me even tighter.

"It's okay baby," She soothed, peppering my head with kisses.

"I'm sorry I hit you. That should never have happened."

"It's okay, you're safe babe, it was just a nightmare."

"It's not ok Ashley!" I hit the bed with my free hand, frustrated. "It shouldn't be taken out on you! I shouldn't have hit you, I shouldn't have pushed you away outside, I – I…"

"Shhhh."

I felt Ashley tipping back and pulling me with her till we were lying down and I was still positioned on her chest. I slipped to her side and curled up around her body. I heard her almost inaudible sigh of contentment escape her lips as she pulled me close.

"Go to sleep Spence, I'm here, your safe. I promise nothing will hurt you."

* * *

I buried my nose in her hair as she nodded against me. I loved how she smelt, coconut shampoo and the underlying smell of Spencer. I relaxed into the comfort and smell and allowed my body to start to relax into the bed,

Every so often I could feel a small tremor travel through Spencer's body as I held her. I rubbed soothing circles on her back and started to sing softly. I felt her body relax more into mine and slowly I allowed myself to drift, still singing quietly.

* * *

Ashley's singing soon tampered out to nothing and her breathing evened out after a while, I just lay listening to the beat of her heart and the tiny noises she made in her sleep. She was so perfect, she was trying so hard. I'm worried I'm not going to be what she needs now I've been broken. I love her so much. I didn't move out of her arms and eventually, surrounded by the warmth and smell of Ashley, I felt myself starting to drift back to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Words can't descibe how much I suck at updating. I keep making promises I'll get better and I never follow through! I'm so sorry!**

**I promise I will start actively trying to find time in my busy University schedule (when I'm not actually drunk) to write and update.**

**Thank you for all the reviews guys, I appreciate everything you guys leave me!**

**I hope the readers of this story haven't died of old age while waiting for this update. . . . .**

* * *

I woke up with Spencer still curled up to my side. I felt better after a proper night sleep in our bed next to her and as much as I just want to stay here all morning I knew I should really get up. I looked over at the digital clock on the bedside table. 8am, Paula wouldn't wait too long before coming over at Spencer's request and I really wanted to get breakfast started.

Carefully I extracted myself from Spencer's embrace and padded to the bathroom to commence my daily routines. After brushing my teeth I looked at myself carefully in the mirror.

I look like absolute shit.

Unsurprisingly.

Sighing I decided to forgo my shower for now encase it disturbed Spence and headed quietly to the kitchen.

Hm. I'm not exactly the greatest cook in the world, Spencer is more the domestic one but I can pull out a mean pancake occasionally and I'm pretty certain we have the ingredients I need so I pull out the frying pan and get to work.

I'm humming quietly to myself as I cook the second pancake when I hear the sharp knock at the door.

9am, I guess I should just be grateful Paula didn't turn up at seven. I move the pan away from the heat and let her in.

"Ashley," I get a brief smile and a nod "Where is Spencer?"

"She's still asleep, I was just making breakfast. Morning Mr C"

"Morning Ashley, how are you holding up?" He enters the doorway after Paula and reaches out for my shoulder, his eyes are still carrying that concern from yesterday.

"As best as I can. She woke up screaming last night, she was hysterical. I almost could calm her."

"What? Arthur! She should be at home, she can't be dealing with this on her own!"

"She isn't on her own Paula! She has me, you know the long term devoted girlfriend."

"You are barely even an adult Ashley, these are the types of things that need to be dealt with and prevented, Spencer needs proper support and care to get her though this."

"I wasn't aware your house had the magical ability to stop nightmares, I can look after her too and she said herself she wanted to be here! Here is her home!"

"Here is not her home! As her parents and as professionals we are a lot more capable of helping her regardless of what you think Ashley!"

"Paula, stop. Ashley calm down." Arthur smoothly positions himself in front of his wife. "We have discussed this. If this is where Spencer would like to be then we have to respect her wishes, Ashley loves her and she has nothing but Spence's interests at heart, we can trust her with this. Fighting won't help anything." He looks between us, I give him a grateful half smile and a nod. I'm glad at least someone here believes in me, even if I'm not so certain myself.

I push these thoughts to the back of my mind. Now is not the time or the place, my efforts need to be focused elsewhere.

"I made pancakes if you're hungry?" I venture.

"That would be lovely" I can see Arthur give his wife a pointed look as he answers and follows me towards the kitchen.

I continue to cook breakfast while the Carlin's eat in silence. It's not exactly like conversation is needed right now. It's not like we have anything to say.

Several long minutes pass and as I retrieve some more fruit from the refrigerator we hear the sound of shuffling footsteps approaching. Obviously Spencer is up and I am already on high alert, scooting around the island in the kitchen to greet her as she wanders over.

"Hey," I reach for her hand and give it a gentle squeeze. I smile when I feel her squeeze back.

"Hey, I was wondering where you were, when I woke up and you weren't with me I thought . . ." She trails off and shakes her head. "Never mind,"

"Spencer, honey, how are you?" Paula pushes herself between us and reaches out for Spencer, pausing momentarily when her daughter flinches slightly at the action.

"As can be expected Mom. Sorry"

"There is no need to apologise sweetheart," I feel Arthurs presence behind me. "Ashley made breakfast, it's not the amazing feast I would have prepared but she is learning. Aren't you young grasshopper?" He winks at me and squeezes my shoulder briefly. It seems to be a new thing to silently support me. I'm grateful.

"You made breakfast?" Spencer turns to me, a hint of a smile on her lips. "I don't smell the smoke. . ."

"Oi! I'll have you know my pancakes are fit for a King, or Queen as the case may be"

I'm still holding Spencer's hand. I tug it lightly and indicate towards the kitchen. I'm delighted she made a joke. It was more forced than normal but it gives me hope. I dish her up some pancakes and fruit and sit down to my own. Paula is hovering close by.

"Spence, we need to talk, your father and I believe you should start therapy straight away. You can't go through something as traumatic as this and not get some help. Your father believes it best if you see someone who you don't know. It will be for the best, we have experience dealing with victims of. . .of trauma."

I watch Spencer carefully as her mother continues, she was barely eating before this announcement and as soon as her mother nearly said. . . that word, she put her fork down altogether. I reach under the bench and gently rest my hand on her knee. She swiftly and smoothly removes it from her leg, giving my hand a quick squeeze before returning it to my own lap.

" We don't want to see you lose yourself honey. It's important you have someone professional to talk to. I have also informed UCLA that you will not be in class for the next two weeks at the very least."

Spencer looks up sharply at this.

"You didn't tell them why did you Dad? I can't... I don't. . .People can't know about this!"

"Shh, Spence it's okay, I didn't have to tell them why. I wouldn't do that. The work you are missing will be emailed to you so you don't fall behind. It's important not to let this eat you alive sweetheart."

Arthur stretched out his hand across the table but didn't go to hold Spencer's, he merely waited for her to reach for him. I could see him being careful not to agitate or upset her. She placed her hand on his and nodded, looking down at her plate. I needed to speak to Arthur on his own, I needed advice on how to best be there for her, my bumbling attempts were bound to do more harm than good. I made a mental note to do so before he left.

"Your father knows an excellent therapist from work, we booked you an appointment with him for Thursday, the sooner the better. I would like to have a look at the bandages if you don't mind Spencer; I want to check on your head and back." Paula indicated for Spencer to follow her, her daughter obliging quietly.

Once they had headed for the bathroom I turned to Arthur, he had also been watching his wife and daughter leave. The sad broken look on his face made my heart break a little more. If he can't always been strong how could I?

"Mr C?"

"Yes Ashley?"

"What do I do? How did you know not to grab for her hand? Should we sleep in the same bed? How should I act? Do you honestly think I can help her? I'm so worried that I will do more harm than good! I keep doing stupid things that make her uneasy like touch her knee but I don't want to seem distant keeping away!"

"It's difficult Ashley, you are going to have to understand that things, especially boundaries and touching will have changed drastically. She will feel insecure yet will not want to let you reassure her. She will still need your love, but not be comfortable with the same level of intimacy as before. At least not yet, if ever. You have to understand the damage that has been done to her, mentally and physically. It will be hard. And even as she rejects you, you have to understand she needs you more than ever. You love her?"

"With my whole heart."

"Then just keep letting her know, and be there for her, whatever she needs. I know you can do it, I know how much she means to you."

"She's my everything."

"Then Ashley, I have every faith in your ability to look after my daughter. There is no manual for exactly you need to behave, just trust your gut and trust Spencer and you will both weather this."

"Thanks Mr C."

He pulls me into another hug and I bury my face into his shoulder.

I just wish I was half as sure I could do this as he was.


	10. Chapter 10

I saw Ashley's shoulders fall slightly into a more relaxed position as she closed and bolted the door behind my parents. After mom had checked and changed my dressings dad had decided it was time for them to leave, promising they would be back tomorrow and were just a call away if we needed them. Mom however had reiterated that she would much prefer me home and had sent a very pointed look at Ashley before my dad gently steered her into the hallway.

"So , what do you wanna do babe?" Ashley asked moving back towards me. "We could watch some crappy TV or a movie or we could go out or we could do anything. "

I felt something brush against the skin on my hands and instantly jerked them back, slightly panicked. I saw Ashley withdraw her hands from near my hips and relaxed slightly.

It was only Ashley. You know it's only Ashley. Obviously it won't be anything else, why are you panicking? You idiot Spencer.

"Sorry." I felt my chest start to burn seeing the contrite look on her face. She shouldn't have to be sorry for wanting to hold my hand.

The burning in my chest got even more intense at the flicker of sadness I saw behind her chocolate eyes.

"It's alright. I, I think I'm just gonna have a shower ok." I needed to get away. I was running and I knew it. I was already heading backwards towards the bathroom as I saw Ashley nod.

"'Course babe. I'll just be on the couch if you need me yeah?"

I turned around and tried to keep my pace even as I fled to the bathroom. Coward. How can you do this to her? Get your head together Spencer.

I practically leapt into the bathroom and shut the door, clicking the lock in place. Something I rarely ever did. The bathroom door was usually left open as invitation whenever we went for showers in case the other wanted to join in. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't have Ashley see me. See me damaged.

"Oh jesus."

I couldn't help exclaiming as I looked in the mirror.

I looked like death.

I was bandaged and bruised. My face was pale. And my eyes. Oh god. Even my eyes looked dead. I didn't even recognise the person who faced me. This wasn't me. It couldn't be me.

Is this what everyone has been looking at for the past 24 hours? A beaten, half shell of me?

I felt a sob starting to bubble in my chest. I quickly flicked on the shower so Ashley wouldn't hear, slid to the floor beside the bath and allowed the torrent of emotions to escape with one huge shaking sob.

* * *

I rested my head against the bathroom door, my heart breaking as I heard Spencer cry inside.

* * *

It took a while before I was able to get myself under control. I stubbornly wiped the tear tracks off my face and pulled myself to my feet. I had better get showered and out before Ashley comes looking for me, she is struggling enough with this enough without knowing I'm not strong enough to cope. I can't be any more of a burden than I am already. She deserves better than that.

She deserves someone clean. Someone untainted.

I carefully started to remove my clothing, it was difficult negotiating around my back with the scrapes and bandages pulling painfully with too much movement.

Sighing, I bit my lip as I started to remove my pants. Fingers faltering as I reached for the band on my underwear.

It's just too much. I can't think about . . . .

Can't think about what happened. His voice. Breath. Pain.

I'm still in pain now. I've been trying so hard to put it out my mind. But the tell tale burning between my legs. . .

I suddenly became aware that I was whimpering.

Pull yourself together Spencer. What use are you to anyone if you can't even manage to take a shower. How pathetic have you become?

Closing my eyes I took several deep breaths. Feeling the oxygen fill my lungs and the shaking in my hands subdue slightly.

Just stop thinking. Stop thinking about that. Clear your mind. You can't do anything if you keep replaying that in your mind.

I kept up that litany, trying to control my breathing.

Eventually I just felt numb, my mind blank.

I moved monotomously around, not looking at myself or the mirror.

Clothes off. Into the shower. Keep water off bandages. Scrub. Don't look down. Scrub.

I felt a small burning starting on my skin and chanced a look down. All the visible skin that was not dark with bruises was starting to become red raw I was scrubbing so hard with the cloth.

But I needed it.

I needed to be clean.

I kept cleaning. Trying to scrub last night off me. Trying to scrub _Him_ off me. I needed to be free.

And I just kept going.

* * *

I sat on the couch with the television on but not really seeing or hearing what was happening on the shitty sitcom repeat that was playing. My ears were mostly listening out for sounds from the bathroom. For sounds Spencer needed me.

I had dragged myself away from the door when the sobbing from inside had seemed to stop.

I needed to be there for her but Mr C was right, I can't push her. I had to let her have her space. Be there for when she needed and wanted me, not when I thought she needed me.

But it still hurt so much to hear her hurting. And being unable to comfort her. Without being able to protect her.

Like I should have done in the first place.

If I had done my job none of this would have happened.

I slammed my fist down on the arm of the couch. I needed to get control of myself. I knew logically that berating myself over what had happened wouldn't help.

Be strong Ashley. Be strong for everyone.

I heard the bathroom door open and jumped to my feet.

I saw Spencer's towelled form shuffle into the corridor.

And I saw her red aggravated skin. And the new abrasions.

"Spence, are you alright? Your skin looks really red!" I'd leapt forward and reached out to her arm.

"I'm fine Ashley."

"But.."

"Just leave it Ashley. I'm going to get changed."

And with that she turned and walked into the bedroom. Leaving my standing.

At a complete loss as to what to do next.


End file.
